The last few weeks have been tough….really tough. I try everything I can to be positive but I cry a little almost every day. Even in this blog, this faceless nameless blog I think sometimes I put on a front. Is it just me? If not why do we do this? Why do we always try and put on the brave face. So today I’m going to use this nameless faceless blog for what it’s for. I’m gonna talk about something I haven’t told anyone else but my husband. Over the last few months I have had some pretty bad pain in my breasts in particular one. My left breast in recent months has changed in feeling beyond recognition. I put it all down to those wonderful drugs I’ve been taking for the last two years. However last week when I was down London visiting my husband I felt more hard tissue than usual…..and a very small lump, my husband felt it also. It’s almost like a very small pebble. I made an appointment for the doctor straight away and I seen him Monday just gone. Anyway as it turns out the hard tissue and lumps are not in my head (I sometimes think I’m just a hypochondriac)and he made me an emergency appointment for a breast scan (mammogram) on Friday morning. He reassured me this could merely be glandular but it’s started to effect me and scare me. I have a long history of cancer effecting people young in my family even my own parents. Mam had cancer in her 20’s (cervical) and again just recently skin cancer and my dad died of cancer at only 52 so I feel a little shook up. My maternal grandmother also died of breast cancer after a ten year battle in her 50’s. So all of this is floating around in my head. BUT the first thing I thought about was FERTILITY. What IF I do have something seriously wrong and I need treatment? I can’t get pregnant as it is what IF the choice of further treatments is taken away from me? I was up all night reading about breast cancer treatments and the effect of fertility. Most of it was positive there are loads of options but I’m frightened all the same. Maybe I’m jumping the gun like the doctor said it could be glandular! Am I being neurotic again? Am I worrying before I have to worry? I don’t know how much more my brain can take after these last few weeks.